Do You Need Someone...
...or do you need me?
Modern dating has a glossary of terms that I never would have believed existed 10 years ago:
Ghosting, Roaching, Breadcrumbing, Benching, Pied, Orbiting, Catfishing, Situationship, and my favorites – Zombieing and Submarining.*
For those not in the know, Zombieing (or Haunting) is when someone from your past, whom you were romantically involved with, suddenly pops up by liking your social posts and then increases the engagement online to remind you of their presence. Submarining goes further and is a combination of this and ghosting where the individual will re-emerge every few weeks/months as if nothing has happened and then suddenly disappear again without warning or explanation.
Straight away, I think we can all agree that ghosting is a terrible thing to do to someone. Not only is it rude and cowardly, it’s just plain mean. Yes, full disclosure, I have ghosted people for various reasons in the past myself, and I know that wasn’t right. I know how it feels and I hate that I may have made anyone else feel that way which is why, even on dating apps, I do my best to thank people for their time and let them know I am not interested. I didn’t realize, though, that there would be something almost worse than ghosting and that is submarining. At least with ghosting the person just leaves without a trace and the hurt is somewhat temporary. Once you figure out that, no, they aren’t in the hospital (or worse) and that they are fine, you can move on to heal from the rejection that was in the silence (because remember - not responding IS a response). Submarining plays with your emotions in such a way that it’s more detrimental to your mental health because that rejection keeps happening. A dear friend who is one of the few that is privy to all of my stories (poor thing – she deserves a medal quite honestly) once asked me how did I do it? “How did I process being repeatedly rejected and still go back in for more?” I didn’t have an answer for her.
…well at least not one that didn’t involve insanity.
Submarining has this way of forcing people to relive rejection over and over again; You think that someone has ghosted you only for them to come back long enough to give you a sense of hope before they disappear again restarting that cycle of feeling rejected. So why do we put up with it? Why do we allow people to come in and out of our lives like that? I’ve been asking myself these questions recently as I have had a couple former romantic partners reappear after disappearing for weeks, some times months at a time, even a year. Every time this happens a scene from Say Anything plays in my mind. Diane has just found out about her father’s illegal doings (oops spoiler!) and runs back to Lloyd whom she rejected just days earlier. Crying she pleads with him that she needs him. He takes a breath and asks:
“Are you here ‘cause you need someone or ‘cause you need me?”
And while I wish for the outcome that they have, I find that I am often wandering around like that John Travolta Gif from Pulp Fiction wondering where this guy went again every time they disappear. This leads me to feel like I am not the one they need, rather just a warm body to fill the time until another option comes along. I understand how harsh this sounds, but it’s unfortunately happened time and time again – whether it be romantic relationships or friendships, I have served as a seat filler of sorts until the main actress is cast.
Well-meaning friends ask me why I just don’t block these people and the answer to that is because that’s not me. It takes a lot of me to outright block someone from my life (I think it’s related to how I feel about ghosting). That said, the question remains – why do I allow them into my life over and over again?
I honestly don’t have the answer to it.
At least I don’t have an answer yet.
I think it goes back to the question my friend posed to me about rejection and how do I process it and go back for more? For starters, I’ll admit that I am still a hopeless romantic at heart. One that is still waiting for my Lloyd Daubler to be outside of my house playing Peter Gabriel on a boom box he’s holding over his head. I’m also a sucker for second chances. I believe that, yes, people can change if they want to and I’m a sucker for a good redemption story. Every once in awhile I’ll think, well what if they have changed? Don’t they deserve another chance?
To the specific question of why? I think the answer is a lot more simple than any of that:
It’s hope.
Hope that one day I will find someone who wants to stick around to learn about me and my life and I can do the same for theirs. Someone who is open and communicative.
Someone who says that they need ME.
*If you would like to dive deeper into these terms, here is a great reddit post on the subject.